Seeking solace in revenge
The real cost of state-sponsored killing
By Katherine Murray
MSNBC CONTRIBUTOR

June 11 - Timothy McVeigh, undisputedly the most hated man in America today, was pronounced dead this morning by lethal injection in a prison in Terre Haute, Indiana, just 60 miles from my home. His crime - the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building - was so horrible it is beyond describing or imagining. And so was his exectution.

HIS CRIME left families mourning for the tragic, sudden loss of 168 lives - 19 of whom were children.He left homes and hearts as damaged as the landscape he destroyed. He left a nation calling for his death - millions of people who were glad to see him go.

THE IMPULSE FOR REVENGE
Although national polls taken prior to the Oklahoma City bombing show that public opinion usually hovers around 60 percent in favor of capital punishment, a USA Today poll taken in April of this year shows that 81 percent of Americans wanted Timothy McVeigh to be executed - and 28 percent of that support was from people who are traditionally against the death penalty.

McVeigh's apparent disregard for life and the pain he'd caused made us want to strike back at him as the inhuman monster he presented himself to be. It's understandable. It's predictable. And it's a mistake, because the cost of what we do to another person is ultimately paid by us. Whether that person deserves what we do to him or not, the choice to act, and the responsibility of acting, is still ours. Perhaps instead of "Does he deserve to die?" we should be asking "Do we deserve to kill?" And on the heels of that question should be, "Haven't we all had enough pain?"

SEARCH FOR SOLACE
If we do a fast rewind of news events capturing our national attention in the last few years, the majority of the stories will show shocking violence. Our local and national papers, online media, and broadcast news all show us the pictures we'd rather not see and paint for us a world filled with danger. We are already well aware of the violence - on our streets, in our schools, on our televisions. We are beginning to caution our kids about the effects of violent rap lyrics; we are teaching them how to stay away from gangs; and we're reminding them not to fill their heads for hours on end with gory shoot-em-up video games.

But we say we want a peaceful world - and then we kill a killer, heralding him as a monster, madman, or martyr, and creating a media circus in the process.

We miss the fact that retaliation doesn't bring us peace, any more than revenge brings us justice. The cost we pay for retribution is ultimately paid by us.

What were we hoping to experience Monday, when McVeigh's vitals flat-lined and the crowds dispersed? Healing? Peace? A collective sigh of relief and a fresh ability to move on with our lives? I don't think any of those things can be purchased with another's death - it's only through grief, sharing, and, eventually, acceptance, that we can begin to make peace with the painful happenings in our lives.

Science has already shown us the long-term health effects of harboring hatred, living in fear, or surviving trauma. Our hearts, our lungs, and our minds-as well as our ability to have healthy relationships and to love, trust, and reach out to each other-are crippled by the wounds we hold fast to. The costs of retaliation may be hidden for many years, but revenge is a poisonous possession, like jealousy, or envy, or hate. It moves into a life and slowly takes over, first dulling compassion, then deafening conscience, and finally, enabling us to justify acts we would consider inhuman if we weren't blinded by our own pain. Our ability to empathize dissolves and we stay firmly inside our own skins, no longer thinking about how our actions affect another, caught up only in our justification for striking against another's sins.

NOT BITING BACK
Attorney General John Ashcroft recently said in an interview that it is because the Bush Administration values life so highly that we must execute McVeigh to send a message to others. I find it hard to believe that we miss the contradiction in that statement.

When my son Christopher was two, he went through a biting stage. I'd pick him up to cuddle or carry him and all of a sudden, I'd feel small toddler teeth closing on my shoulder.

"Bite him back!" experienced parents told me. "Show him what it feels like! That'll make him stop real quick!"

Ultimately I decided to discard their advice and trust my gut, using education instead of retaliation. When those little teeth started to close on my shoulder, I leaned my son back in my arms so I could look directly into his big green eyes. I frowned and shook my head and said, "Christopher! No! That hurts Mommy!"

Did it work? Yes, and almost instantly, too. But the point is not that the behavior was corrected - for we certainly can't do anything to change what McVeigh did or would ever have done. The point is that I slept well that night and thereafter, knowing that I'd chosen a peaceful alternative for handling the situation that didn't cause another human being pain, whether it was justified or not.

When my daughter Kelly was 16, I found out that she had been smoking with her friends behind a local bowling alley.

"Make her smoke a whole pack!" friends-who-had-been-there suggested. "She'll be so sick, she'll never want another cigarette again!" Did I put an end to Kelly's experimentation by forcing her to make herself sick for her crime? No, I didn't. After many talks, lots of prodding, and, yes, lectures, she eventually made her own decision that smoking wasn't something she wanted to do.

BLEEDING AND BLIND
I would prefer that my children learn to make choices from a place of compassion and understanding. I want them to choose not to do certain things because they know they are unhealthy, hurtful, or dishonorable, not because they're afraid they'll get caught. It's the only way I know to do what I can toward creating a society that values peace - to model compassion, to teach understanding, and to urge others to put down their weapons - electrodes, syringes, and all-out of concern for the damage it does to all of us.

It's over for McVeigh, but not for the families still carrying the legacy of his hatred. He doesn't have to face the result of his actions, now or ever again. But we do, and have, and will. I hope that as we move forward from here, we will begin to weigh out our own personal costs of creating and living in a society that sanctions revenge as a form of punishment. I hope we will ask ourselves honestly whether we want peace in our world. And I hope that someday soon we will begin to realize that the "eye for an eye" mentality just leaves us all bleeding and blind.

Katherine Murray writes about children and family issues and is a regular contributor to MSNBC.

Retaliation doesn't bring us peace, any more than revenge brings us justice. The cost we pay for retribution is ultimately paid by us.

It's over for McVeigh, but not for the families still carrying the legacy of his hatred. He doesn't have to face the result of his actions, now or ever again-but we do, and have, and will.